Episode 3: "Starplan would have my head" / The Pilk Issue
Exactly 100 words of classic-style sci-fi. / The drink that destroyed the world.
"Starplan would have my head" (2023)
"Want me to show you?"
"Sure."
Captain Sa leads Oclus through a door into a cramped little room.
"Your 'relaxing room' is an empty closet?" Oclus asks.
"No."
Sa flips a switch. The closet fills with the familiar holographic Starplan messaging interface.
"Answering your star-messages relaxes you?"
"No, I only do that on my pager. Look closer."
Empty inbox. Zero notifications. The ID shows the rank of a first-level private. A still image.
"You must understand, Starplan would have my head if they knew I was wasting a room like this, especially on such a small ship. And yet."
"Huh."
The Pilk Issue
The oddball mixed drink pilk (~40% milk, ~60% Pepsi) has become popular in certain Internet circles – and Lehigh social groups. JaffeeLabs is on a quest to introduce it to the Lehigh community.
JaffeeLabs has interviewed Noah H. Ali, the third taste-tester in the above video and the mastermind behind what critics are calling the biggest day for the beverage in decades, for elaboration on this thrilling new topic.
JaffeeLabs: This is Miles Jaffee interviewing Noah Ali for JaffeeLabs post three, "The Pilk Issue." First off, what does the word pilk mean to you?
Noah H. Ali: I mean, it's just the truth, you know, man, it's just, it's just really the truth.
JL: Could you elaborate on that?
NA: I don't know, man, it's just like, that's what it's all about. Like trying pilk, stuff like pilk, you know, like, what, what's the point of life if you're not gonna try stuff like pilk?
JL: You know, that's a profound statement on the state of society today. What did you first think of pilk when you first heard the word?
NA: I have to get my friends to drink it in front of me and see their reactions, because I'm a bad person. Also, I thought it would be funny.
JL: Of course. Could you elaborate on your background for becoming a bad person?
NA: Oh, you know, I grew up in Delaware, which, if you don't know, is just a rest stop state, and, you know, the people there are weird. I'm the prime example of a Delawarean, and just an absolute freak. That's what the state makes people, and I'm just a by-product of it. So I blame Capitalism.
JL: What were your opening thoughts just before trying pilk?
NA: I thought it would be funny. I was just ready to down the glass. You know, I was like, this is gonna be a funny moment, a real funny moment.
JL: What happened to you after you tried it?
NA: Honestly, it wasn't that bad. It was like watered-down Pepsi or milk, like a Pepsi float but without ice cream. It's kind of good, to be honest. I got to see a bunch of people look at me really gross, and for once it wasn't because of my face, so it was a confidence booster.
JL: Would you say there have been any long term effects, positive, negative or otherwise, from drinking pilk?
NA: No, but I have to do a statistics final now after I drank pilk. I mean, like, I didn't have statistics assigned to me before I drink pilk.
JL: So you think it might have caused it?
NA: I think it might have caused it. Honestly, it, you know, it manifested it like me manifesting a dairy and carbonated beverage, you know.
Mr. Ali was never heard from again. For a follow-up interview, JaffeeLabs reached out to our Chicago-area correspondent Evan Younge, the first taste-tester in the video.
JaffeeLabs: What does the word pilk mean to you?
Younge: Something glorious, something from above, can't be described with words, and frankly something that is just a physical embodiment of something greater, and something that can only be comprehended through metaphorical senses through taste buds. Something representative of the greater powers, something that comes from above. It represents something that can really only be teased - something of much higher value that cannot be comprehended by man.
JL: So you're saying it's like the real-world equivalent of a higher concept?
EY: Yes, but it's merely representative of it. This is all that we could do as humanity to embody the greater forces of nature, that we cannot yet understand.
JL: Would you say you feel like Oppenheimer (2023)?
EY: See, I feel like, I don't think it was me as much, I think I was merely a passage. I was like the victim, you know? Because of the fashion in which my mind was blown. I became a victim of pilk.
JL: What did you think about pilk when you first heard about it?
EY: It sounded like an abstraction, like someone was trying to hide something. It's too otherworldly to be true. I think that was my first impression. Upon actually discovering it and witnessing it firsthand, it was something eerie. It was like the feeling of visiting a relative's home that had left this planet before you even got here. Like there's a bold connection, yet no trace of physical sustenance.
JL: Who would you consider to be the foremost expert on pilk?
EY: I don't know much about pilk in general, but I dove into the catalogues, did some research. The British Emprire in the 1800s, like the Victorian era, spread it around the world. The combination of milk and 'soda,' used very loosely. I think that's a good explanation for their dental care. I wouldn't call them experts, but I would call them pioneers.
JL: How would you say pilk has affected you now, after drinking it?
EY: The exact moment that it hit my taste buds, my life changed for the greater. Not the better, and not the worse. It was astonishment. Because not only did I think that something of that combination couldn't even be physically possible- as though the laws of the universe wouldn't allow it to happen- but it was a revelation. It opened my eyes to a world that I'd not stepped foot in had I not come across this treat.
JL: Would you try pilk again?
EY: Absolutely yes, 10/10, would do again. Except this time I have to mix and match with different combinations. Remember that scene from Ratatouille? Like, cherry Pepsi, goat milk… There are so many combinations. So many possibilities, so little time.